Parents get a lot of conflicting advice. From influencer accounts to grandparents to online parenting groups, parents are regularly made to feel like the wrong choice, or the wrong words, can damage their kids. One aspect of parenting that has gotten more attention in recent years is praise. Some advocate for it, while others say it causes more harm than good. Whether you’ve heard the debate or not, read on to find out what happens when you praise your child, and if there are consequences for praising too much.
Our words matter, especially to our kids, but we can be thoughtful about what we express to them without putting pressure on every word we say. Over-analyzing puts unnecessary stress on parents and can ultimately detract from their ability to be genuine and present with their children. Some platforms and individuals have warned about so-called “dangers” of praise, implying that statements like “nice work!” or “good job!” have the power to make kids rely entirely on external validation or derail their frustration tolerance. While these long-term outcomes are unlikely, there are things parents can do to be more or less effective with their praise. It can even be meaningful enough to help shape kids’ behavior. Like with any parenting tool, consistency, intention, and the way we communicate can make all the difference.
Is Praise Effective?
Praise is a way to express positive feelings and give children positive attention. It can range from generic and vague, to specific and deeply meaningful. When used thoughtfully, praise can influence children’s behavior and self-concept for the better. For praise to be as effective as possible, parents should be specific, genuine, and thoughtful about what they choose to emphasize.
Praise that is nonspecific, such as phrases like “good job,” leave it unclear what, exactly, a child is doing well. While it isn’t necessarily harmful, it can also be a missed opportunity. Specific praise names what is being acknowledged. By being specific with their praise, parents can communicate a lot more than approval - they can clarify expectations, reinforce desired behaviors, and remind children that their actions matter and affect others. Whenever possible, parents should try to follow phrases such as “good job” and “I like that” with what they are noticing.
What elicits a parent’s praise also makes a difference for kids. When adults are hyper-focused on things like appearance, perceived ability, or “perfection,” kids can actually become less motivated, and more self-conscious. For example, children who are praised for being smart may be less resilient when practicing a skill that doesn’t come easily to them compared to children who are praised for how hard they work.
Finally, when praise is disingenuous, with the same phrases relied upon over and over, or given when a parent isn’t even looking at what their child is doing, kids can become frustrated or turn to negative attention seeking behaviors. Even a highly specific praise will be ineffective if it doesn’t come from a place of honesty. Children are tuned in to more than just our words - they notice everything from our facial expressions to tones of voice, and praise that is genuine will mean much more to them.
What are the Concerns About Praising Kids?
Let’s dive into some criticisms and concerns that have come up around praising kids, whether or not they’re a valid concern, and what to do.
Conditional Approval Some have expressed that praise will eventually lead a child to believe that their parents only approve of them when they are successful, potentially making kids achievement-oriented and anxious. This could be a concern if a child were to be consistently recognized for one thing over a long period of time (for example, performing well on tests or their athletic ability) and rarely for anything else. In this situation, a child might start to internalize that positive attention from those they care about is tied to those particular attributes or skills, and that there is little room for mistakes, breaks, or failures. While this would not be healthy, it would take more than praise to cause this problem.
What you can try: Connect with your child regularly and, if you praise them, acknowledge who they are as well as their successes. When they struggle or make mistakes, respond with understanding and make it clear that it doesn’t change your love for them. By celebrating your children for who they are, and embracing them through both success and struggles, they will know that they are loved based on far more than their achievements.
Example: “I really appreciate how kind you were towards your friends today.”
External Validation
The idea that a child will seek external validation because they regularly receive praise, and that this is an overwhelmingly negative outcome, seems to misrepresent external validation as a bad or unnatural thing. It is normal for people to enjoy, and even look forward to, validation from others! While it shouldn’t be the only thing that drives our kids, it is okay for them to like being seen and appreciated.
What you can try: If your child seems overly concerned with how they will be evaluated, repeatedly asking if you like the art they make or the way they play, focus your attention on process rather than product. You can also look for opportunities to praise their good judgment, and the way they take pride in what they do. These approaches will reinforce that their efforts matter regardless of the outcome, and encourage them to trust their own judgment about when something is “good work.”
Example: “I loved seeing the smile on your face while you worked on that drawing, I could tell you were proud of yourself!”
Self-Motivation
Another concern surrounding praise is that children who become too used to parents or teachers encouraging them with praise will not develop an internal drive to work hard or be persistent. However, kids who receive consistent praise can absolutely develop frustration tolerance and self-motivation, and encouragement from caring adults can actually help! Especially for young children whose sense of self is just developing, hearing positive messages that they have the capacity to do hard things and move through difficult feelings can build up their confidence. Eventually, those are the messages they will be telling themselves!
What you can try: Highlight your child’s persistence and get comfortable with their frustration! Expressing frustration is not inherently a negative thing - the key is that feeling frustration should not deter children from continuing to put their energy into something. Dr. Gwen Dewar recommends saving your praise for when your child truly makes an effort, rather than giving compliments for things that come easily to them.
Example: “Amazing job rebuilding that block tower after it fell! I like that you’re trying again in a new way.”
Should Parents Praise Kids?
Despite some minor critiques, praise is a research-backed practice that has been incorporated into most evidence-based parenting programs for decades. It has been associated with kids’ improved academic performance, increased brain matter, and demonstrations of empathy. In his article on praise, Dr. Kenneth Barish explains, “When children feel proud, when they have been successful at any task, they instinctively look to others to share this feeling. Kids need this acknowledgment. Without sufficient praise, a child will suffer symptoms—especially discouragement and lack of enthusiasm…” Even as adults, hearing someone’s appreciation expressed verbally can increase our motivation and strengthen relationships. Some feel strongly that their “love language” is words of affirmation.
Of course, praise is only one tool for connection and boosting kids’ confidence. Sometimes, you may choose to praise your child, while in other moments you describe what you see, or allow your child to tell you about something they made. When you do opt to praise your child, think about what they are working on, and what messages you want them to take away from your interaction. Be specific about what you appreciate, and do your best to focus on process over abilities. For parents with kids between the ages of 2-7, Happypillar is a great way to learn about effective praise, practice during play, and receive feedback.
Whether you are a parent who offers an abundance of praise or not, remember that it is healthy to adapt based on our needs and our children's, which are ever-changing. If your child is working on a new skill, managing difficult emotions, or simply looking for more moments of connection, praise can be a fantastic way to reinforce, encourage, and express love.